Angels by www.rotten.com
http://www.rotten.com/library/religion/angels/
Angels aren’t cute little cherubs with rolls of baby fat, whose only concern in life is making you happy and posing for greeting cards. Just get that idea out of your head right this minute.
Angels are angry, ass-kicking, flaming-sword-wielding, vengeance-mongers who impregnate human women with mutant spawn in their spare time. Angels should be dragged to Nuremberg and held to account for their voluminous crimes against humanity. If you ever see an angel coming toward you, run the other way, because there’s just no fucking way that it’s good news.
- Archangels: This is the elite corps of God’s murdering army, often charged with Very Important Tasks on His direct orders, like obliterating cities to prevent buggery. Archangels include Michael, Gabriel, Uriel, Raphael and Metatron. Don’t ask how these names were determined. It’s just the way things are. There is some ambiguity about where the archangels rank in the cosmic scheme, but it seemed like a good idea to put them first (if for no other reason than to avoid being turned into a pillar of salt).
- Seraphim: The Catholic Encyclopedia says seraphim “stand before God as ministering servants in the heavenly court,” whatever that means. They have six wings, an uncertain number of faces. The archangels are members of the seraphim caste.
- Cherubim: The designation cherubim is where the word “cherub” comes from, but these bloodthirsty mutant freaks are anything but adorable. They have four faces, four hands, four wings and cloven hooves for feet. And don’t forget the flaming swords!
- Thrones: These guys aren’t in the Bible. Somebody just made them up… I mean, figured it out. Whatever. Thrones are the keepers of God’s Justice, which is apparently a good thing, despite whatever conclusions you may have drawn from your life experiences.
- Dominions: These are even less biblical than the thrones, if possible. They are the cosmic bureaucrats, and most likely responsible for your karmic check getting lost in the mail.
- Virtues: Supposedly in charge of nature and lending the occasional hand to beleaguered humans.
- Powers: These angels are in charge of killing demons, much like Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
- Principalities: In charge of watching over the welfare of nations. Clearly, the Principality in charge of Iraq has a lot of ‘splaining to do.
- Angels: Just plain old angels. This includes the so-called guardian angels, which we shall discuss more completely below.
Fonte: http://www.wizards.com/
